Day 52: Default

So it has been a long time, hasn't it (since I've posted something here, for those of you who aren't very good with implicit meanings)? I've slowly been realising, throughout the time I've been writing this 'thing' we'll have to call a blog for argument's sake (and since the time I decided to grow more fully), that I haven't been in control of my life. And this is not one of those "oh, God has been in control" realisations either; this one's a bit more sinister than that. I suppose I'd better explain (honestly, I spend my life explaining things).

I was on a course recently for work, and one of the tasks was to get into teams of three and elect a leader within each of those teams. Leadership of my team fell to me (perhaps inevitably). It was at the exact point when the trainer asked me how I had come to be team leader that the realisation struck me. "I sort of fell into it [the position], by default," was my answer; like most (if not all) of the things I was in my life, I was leader by default. Every decision I've had to make in my life has been a pseudo-decision; wholly dictated by something else, some external issue.

I fell into all my relationships; through no decision of my own. The first few didn't work out but, luckily, in the last one my woman was right for me. Still, I've done relationships backwards - getting into one and then starting to like (and perhaps love) the person I was with. I've been playing a dangerous game. And let's not stop there; the fact that I'm bald has dictated a huge part of my life. I started going bald when I was about 17; a genetic thing I guess, but when I was completely bald I actively stopped doing things associated with being 'young', partly because of fear of being mocked, but mostly because I didn't feel young. I was so self-conscious about it that it began to etch a path for me to follow in the game of life.

I remember being so nervous at parties and whatnot. It's a proper knock to the ego and it gouged a large chunk of my self-esteem out. I slowly began on a (mentally) self-destructive path - putting up walls both to fend off imagined attacks from the outside world and to stop myself doing things that would put me in the firing line. You know, basic self-preservation. People make assumptions about you; it's human nature. Over the years the walls became stronger; reinforced by every bad experience I'd ever had. I became a non-risk-taker.

So, how do I rectify this (i.e. how do I regain control of my life?)? Well, I've started by canceling all the email alerts I get from various places, which prompt me to login and do...something. A prime example of this is Facebook. How many of you have been absolutely compelled to login to Facebook and start messing around when prompted by an email alert (such as, "so and so has written on you wall")? I've been so guilty of that, it's unreal; spending hours within any given day, just clicking around Facebook, having originally been drawn there by an e-mail alert. You think it's a choice you're making, but it's not - it's a compulsion that you can't possibly hope to control. So, with no email alerts to speak of, I can choose when I commit some time to Facebook.

Also, and this was prompted by the trainer on the course I spoke about earlier, I've turned off that little envelope that appears in your tray when you have a new email at work (this I did quite by accident, but that's another story) because, again, you're compelled to open your Outlook inbox whenever that envelope magically appears (at least, I am) - another pseudo-decision. But by far , the biggest thing I'm going to do to try and minimize the pseudo-decisions I make, is to list out, right here, all the assumptions and beliefs I hold dear which only act to reinforce my insecurities and thus guide me on a path not of my choosing:

1. Bald people are physically inferior and, thus, do not stand a chance with people of the opposite (or same, if that's your thing) sex. My biggest influencer by miles. But what is it's basis? My conception of beauty I suppose. And what's that based on? Mass media projections - hard-bodied men and women running on beaches with hair flowing wildly in their wake. A woman running her hand through her man's hair while squealing with pleasure. But that's not real, is it? Real people don't do that in real life. Well, maybe some of them do, but what should that matter to me? Who cares? Tastes differ so wildly anyway. And who's to say that the media portrays an ideal? If it does, then it's a false ideal I'm afraid.

I can't wait for the day when the media is flooded with images of fat, balding old men being rubbed up by fat, balding old women. If and when that happens, I guarantee you that most of the world will experience a huge shift in their aspirations and beliefs as far as beauty is concerned. And, following on from that...

2. ...Beauty is purely physical. It's becoming more and more clear to me that this is not the case. I know what you're thinking - "that's just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better", except I'm not ugly, and have been told so on many many different occasions, so there goes that theory. I must admit that I thought that at one point too. Beauty is not purely physical. Attraction is initially physical in certain instances, but beauty and attraction are two different things. If beauty (and, for that matter, attraction) always purely physical, you'd be hard-pressed to find elderly couples roaming the streets clutching hands. Yet we see it all the time and, let's face it, it's one of our "awww" moments.

3. Some activities are reserved for people under a certain age, while others are reserved for people over a certain age. Another belief which has added to the (mis-)control issues in my life. While society dictates what we should and shouldn't be doing, that doesn't mean we have to follow this regime. We can do anything we want regardless of our age or perceived age.

4. You are a bad person if you suggest doing something that another person may not want to do (in your view). Ah, if I had a dollar for every time I've held back on suggesting an activity just because I didn't want to make someone do something that they wouldn't want to do. But the truth is, in most cases, if someone really didn't want to do something, they would say so there and then (or at least give implicit clues regarding their defiance), rather than do it and be miserable.

5. No world exists, save the world in my own mind. Yes, I've been seeing without actually looking. Being caught up in my own thoughts so often has been debilitating - over-thinking everything.

6. Women are idols, to be worshiped (This is in no way intended to be sexist and I apologise if it comes across that way). A long time ago my cousin, who's now happily married, said to me, "women are just as disgusting as men...at least once a month, anyway" I think no better statement encompasses the fact that women are human beings and should be treated as such, no more, and certainly no less. They have thoughts and feelings, they are subject to the same laws of biology as men are, they use the toilet and when they bump against an open closet door, they get bruised. I have been idolising women my whole life, which has made it difficult (and sometimes impossible) to approach them. While nature has made them the objects of affection; they are no different in any terms. Time to let this go...

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I will add more to this list if I think of them. The first two are the main ones after all. So there it is, my absolute lack of control laid bare. I will continue to strive to regain control, but be aware of the lack of control of your own lives - there are a lot of underlying beliefs and issues we've all gained over the years that hold us back from reaching our full potential. It is indeed, a sad situation.